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Idol Gives Back: A Minute-by-Minute Recap
It took a while, but I finally figured out my loophole.
As regular readers know, I've been approaching this week's episodes with a bit of a conundrum. Idol Gives Back is a good thing, regardless of what percentage of the money makes it to Africa or the Gulf Coast, regardless of how much Ryan Seacrest or Simon Cowell have publicly announced they're giving themselves, regardless of how frequently the talent show has been transformed into a Sally Struthers infomercial in recent weeks and regardless of how dreary and sincere Tuesday night's Songs of Inspiration theme was. On the other hand, the desire to salute the show's good intentions causes problems if you happen to be professionally engaged in mocking said show for a living.
My solution: I wandered over to the Idol website, to their Idol Gives Back donations page, and I made a contribution. It's not big enough to solve hunger in Africa or even to make up for all of the lampooning of the show I've done over the past five seasons, but I believe that it's sufficient to buy me absolution for finding humor in two hours of Up With People-style pageantry.
I can't force anybody to join me in this particular form of guilt-driven charity, but just in case it might make you feel better about laughing at Celine Dion's voice, Kelly Clarkson's weight or Gwyneth Paltrow's mere presence (They're all doin' it for the kids!!!), here's a handy link.
The following is my minute-by-minute recap of what's sure to be an uplifting orgy of altruism on Wednesday (April 25) night. My apologies if it gets long, but if my fingers don't keep moving, I'll go into a coma:
8:00 p.m. ET. In an effort to prove that tonight's show (unlike last night's) is life, Ryan blunders his opening monologue and demands a second take, thus giving the audience at home a second pan over our Top Six, dressed in all-white suits, like refugees from a 1930s Busby Berkley musical.
8:01 p.m. Ryan promises the "most shocking result in our history." Of course, he already knew to promise this last night, which lends credence to all sorts of speculation that nobody's going home tonight. I'll be one grumpy recapper if that turns out to be the case. Ryan also announces that over 70 million votes were cast last night, sticking NewsCorp with a well-earned $5 million ticket. If you'd like to add to that tally, call 1-877-IDOL-AID. Operators are probably standing by. Votes cast for Sanjaya won't be counted.
8:03 p.m. Hi Ellen. DeGeneres, or as I like to call her "Dunkleman II," is in the Disney Concert Hall. Ellen begins by questioning Ryan's most shocking results claim, noting that there were six people and one's going home, which isn't at all shocking. That's one more hint that nobody's going home. Ellen opts to recycle some really old material by launching into her own favorite piece of music, Salt-n-Peppa's "Shoop." Thankfully, she kicks things over to the night's opening act, Earth, Wind and Fire, featuring my all-time favorite Idol guest judge Verdeen White.
8:09 p.m. AllState presents a very special tribute to legendary Idol spaz Leroy Wells and also to the city of New Orleans, hosted by Randy Jackson. I didn't donate enough money to make any jokes here, nor do I want do. Somewhere, I hope ex-FEMA chief Mike Brown is watching.
8:11 p.m. Quincy Jones has written an anthem titled "Time to Care" for the finalists to sing, very much in the vein of "We Are the World." I think this makes Melinda into Tina Turner, Chris into Steve Perry, Blake into Huey Lewis, Jordin into Diana Ross, LaKisha into all of the Pointer Sisters and Phil into... I dunno... A bald Kenny Loggins? Feel free to offer your own matches.
8:17 p.m. Eric McCormack is the first of the night's celebrity guest shillers, deadpanning "If every person who ever voted for Sanjaya gave just one dollar, we could do so much good."
8:19 p.m. Ben Stiller pops up "via satellite" to mention the names of many of his movies, including Mystery Men. He threatens to sing "Reminiscing" by the Little River Band, not stopping until we make $200 billion. The joke becomes less funny when he actually does it.
8:23 p.m. Cutting from Stiller to a little boy in Uganda crying to Ryan and Simon about the death of his parents is somehow less than fluid. I've done my part to educate little Grauman. Have you?
8:30 p.m. Forest Whitaker, who won an Oscar for playing a genocidal Ugandan, is back in the African nation and thanks people for helping.
8:31 p.m. Wait. There was a show last night? And tonight's show is still American Idol? Well, on to the contestants. Melinda is safe. But with two hours to pass, that's all we get.
8:33 p.m. I skip Paula's featurette to watch a show I'm dubbing Daniel Cabrera Gives Back, in which I pray that the Orioles pitcher loses control of the strike zone. Meanwhile, Ellen introduces the standard "Somewhere" sung by New York City's most notorious finger-snapping street gang Il Divo. If we had to get a performance by a Simon Cowell discovery, why weren't the Teletubbies available?
8:42 p.m. Ryan offers a song introduction to anybody willing to pay $50. He asks the producer to give him a random seat number and wouldn't you know it? Jack Black occupies said seat. Black demands the opportunity to sing for the judges. With the band's help, he breaks into "Kiss From the Rose" ("It's from Batman Returns, the most sensitive of all the Batmans."). He's better than Chris Sligh. It wasn't happening for Randy, but maybe the stretchy-pants would have helped. Paula declares, "The School of Rock called, they want their diploma back." Simon says he was better than Sanjaya (in the audience and amused). Seal, sitting behind Randy, calls it the best rendition of "Kiss from a Rose" he's ever heard.
8:46 p.m. Blake is safe.
8:46 p.m. There's something very, very, very weird about Carrie Underwood lip-synching "I'll Stand By You" to a crowd of disadvantaged children who don't seem at all engaged by her performance.
8:55 p.m. Rascal Flatts performs "My Wish." The lead singer does not, in fact, sing out of his nose. Sorry, Chris Richardson.
8:58 p.m. I suspect that there were concerns that viewers might not be engaged enough in donating money to poverty in Africa, so Ryan assures viewers than half of the money is going to charities right here in the United States. And not just in New Orleans... You too can teach kids in Appalachia to read. In a shocking show of restraint, FOX doesn't get Jeff Foxworthy to introduce the clips.
9:00 p.m. Paula joins Ryan on stage. He kids her about being short. I guarantee that nobody was looking at her height. I'll go no further.
9:05 p.m. The night's Ford commercial, set to "Crazy Little Thing Called Love," has nothing to do with poverty or charity, but it probably makes fun of how quaint people in Middle America are. How quaint are they? They go to drive-ins!
9:06 p.m. You know what's playing at the drive-in? It's a Ford-sponsored music video set to "Stayin' Alive" and featuring a reported 35 A-list (and Rob Schneider-list) stars. I suspect that this clip will be studied for years to come. Marvel at how Hugh Laurie makes his 10 seconds of screentime into hilarity! Gape in awe at how Helen Mirren mines the unexpected dramatic depths of the Bee-gees Classic! Express relieve that Sarah Michelle Gellar is still out there somewhere! Ponder the inclusion of Harvey Weinstein in the montage! Cherish the Friends reunion of David Schwimmer and Lisa Kudrow! Repress the Snow White memories conjured up by the sight of a lip-synching Rob Lowe!
9:08 p.m. Phil Stacey is the next person to safety. Nobody's going home tonight, kids. I wonder what will happen to those 70 million votes.
9:09 p.m. Somehow, we're expected to seque from that, into the heartbreaking scenes of Ryan and Simon in Kabira. The juxtapositions here are just so problematic. Simon declares the conditions for a young woman dying of AIDS to be "terrible" with the exact same intonation he'd complain about a dreadful rendition of "I Will Survive." Check out The ONE Campaign's website for more information.
9:12 p.m. Ellen is personally donating $100,000. Good for her. She segues into Josh Groban and the African Children's Choir singing "You Raise Me Up."
9:21 p.m. I've been to memorial services and unveilings and remembrance ceremonies, but I've never been to a funeral. Another feature lets us see that celebrities haven't been to so many eith, but that one African man has been to 280, mostly victims of maleria.
9:21 p.m. Ellen suggests that kids promise to donate a dollar if their parents donate nine. Kelly Clarkson is apparently sufficiently over her Idol-roots discomfort to pop up for a good cause. She's in it to win it, as Randy might bark.
9:32 p.m. The night's first comic highlight is a skit featuring the stars of The Simpsons judging Simon, who sings an uninspired rendition of that annoying Pussycat Dolls song. I liked Marge spitting game and throwing signs like Randy and Lisa's Paula-esque manic clapping perfect, as was her response to Marge's Dawg-call ("Where's the dog? I like dogs!"). But the capper was Bart dropping Simon down a trap door and saying, "The lions haven't eaten this well since Dunkleman."
9:33 p.m. LaKisha is safe. Guess what? If Phil and Blake and LaKisha are all safe, everybody's safe. I guess we have to carry this charade forward.
9:35 p.m. The exhaustively hyped bizarro duet finds Celine Dion traveling back to 1968 and singing with Zombie Elvis. It's cute that Zombie Elvis is wearing a white suit to match the Idol singers. This must go down as one of the 10 worst uses of technology in human history. The only way this would be worse is if they'd put a camera in Elvis' grave so that we could watch him spinning. I'm going to have to make a bigger donation, aren't I? The clip ends and Zombie Elvis leaves the stage in search of more brains. Look out, Celine!
9:39 p.m. Look, folks, Madonna can't be expected to adopt every child in Malawi. In a taped message she urges people to give whatever they can.
9:43 p.m. Up-to-the-minute, we've donated roughly $30 million to charity so far. Do I smell a Nobel Peace Prize for Ryan Seacrest? This may be his best shot.
9:44 p.m. I was out of town for last season's Idol finale, so I actually don't have a clue who sang the last song, but it must have been Taylor, right. I'm just relieved that tonight's very special episode hasn't gotten in the way of Idol trivia.
9:46 p.m. In another awkward technical moment, Ryan gets several wires crossed and tries to kill time by asking Simon how much he's donated. Simon just crosses his arms and says he wants to watch Ryan squirm. That doesn't mean we aren't all curious.
9:48 p.m. Nobody does a tear-jerking ballad like Annie Lennox. But why is she trying to look like Jael from America's Next Top Model? She'd better hope 50 Cent doesn't push her into a swimming pool.
9:55 p.m. Ryan calls on Chris and Jordin to stand. First Ryan says that Chris is safe. The audience is shocked. Jordin? Not at all shocked. The contestants had been warned. They do a group huddle. Are Jordin's tears from the emotion of it all? Is she a good actor? Or did they actually not let her in on the secret? If not, that's pretty cruel.
9:57 p.m. This week's votes will be added to next week's votes and two people will go home. I'd say that this was the most shocking elimination ever, but... it kind of wasn't.
9:58 p.m. Oh there's Bono. His mentorship consists of telling the singers that they have it in their power to help end "brutal, stupid poverty." Sorry, Seacrest, Bono just took your Nobel Prize.
10 p.m. Phone lines are still open.
Thoughts on tonight's Idol Gives Back special? Were you surprised by the results? And who do you think the vote combining benefits next week? And who does it hurt?
Interesting... Canadian viewers get a notice before each segment that "This is not intended as a soliciatation outside of the US." Daniel, maybe you just have to blog from Canada during these charity shows to avoid feeling guilty, though I like your loophole.
We saw this coming also at about 830. Good idea! But, we are wondering if they knew or not and if so, Why was Jordin crying? Did they not tell her, or did they figure it out like we did at home.
Ray | Apr 25, 2007 7:12:51 PM | #Kelly Clarkson was great last night. Celine and Zombie Elvis were, uh, pretty trippy.
Where on earth was Daniel Radcliffe and some of the other stars that were said to be on???
Guinevere | Apr 25, 2007 8:11:05 PM | #Was PInk or Gwen Stefani on? Did I miss something after/before Zombie Elvis and Celine hypnotized me?
laurab | Apr 25, 2007 8:19:08 PM | #The more I think about it- I feel really mad. Where were the other stars we were promised? Did Kelly have them hidden under her dress? Did she eat them?
laurab | Apr 25, 2007 8:20:24 PM | #Kelly Clarkson blew everyone away. She's still the one to beat in this competition.
How come Ryan Seacrest and Teri Hatcher didn't dance together in the "Staying Alive" video?
Most of the show was just treacle, and I kept expecting to see Jerry Lewis. It was both disingenuous and sincere at the same time, an odd juxtaposition, and I personally found the most sincerity coming from . . . Simon Cowell? He seemed the most uncomfortable with the slickness of the whole thing, unable to even look at the camera when he was onstage with Ryan.
On a less cynical note, hopefully the show did reach the younger viewers who perhaps aren't aware of the breadth of the problems facing the world.
Why do I suddenly have the urge to sing Whitney Houston's "Greatest Love of All"?
Siansonea | Apr 25, 2007 8:27:18 PM | #So...did anyone see Jordin snatch the Kleenex from LaKisha? Was that just me? Anywho, where were all those promised stars?
shirley | Apr 25, 2007 8:37:17 PM | #What a crock!! How many times in promos leading up to last night's episode did I hear "Someone will be eliminated this week..." This show gets less and less tolerable...
Gaywilliam | Apr 25, 2007 9:08:54 PM | #I am still pissed off. We were promised Pink. There was no Pink. Not even a glimpse. Boy, I am glad I didn't donate any money. If they lied about the stars who would be on, they might lie about where the money was really going...
laurab | Apr 25, 2007 9:45:46 PM | #Guess I was the stupid one. I was seriously thinking that Jordin was going home.
By the way, George Michael did not sing in We Are The World...Blake has to be someone else. Michael Jackson?
CCYu | Apr 25, 2007 9:50:27 PM | #CCYu - He should be so lucky... I'm going with Huey Lewis, which may have been my first instinct anyway...
-Daniel
Daniel Fienberg | Apr 25, 2007 10:00:07 PM | #Yes, Blake could be Michael Jackson for sure. He moves just like him, and he is currently the same color...Is Madonna still mad she didn't get to sing We are the World back in the day? Is that why she was in Africa and on Idol tonight? By the way, Pink pre-recorded a performance on April 11th that was supposed to air tonight... Why didn't it? Does anyone know?
laurab | Apr 25, 2007 10:01:16 PM | #WOW... Did anyone actually understand the purpose of this American idol? ... it wasn't for the stars... it was for the charities...
And does anyone else find it sad that in order to get Americans to donate money to help underprivileged kids, we have to be promised stars and celebrities and glorious performances? We can't just donate money to help people without getting something in return. Do you think people would have donated money had Ryan just come out and asked for during a normal show? ... I think not. We are all very blessed to live in this country.
Christen | Apr 25, 2007 10:18:46 PM | #Tonight assured Jordin will win Idol for sure. The way they toyed with her, and had people really become scared that she may get voted off, leads me to believe that this may spike her already large following.
I believe Lakisha will get voted off next week as well as either Chris or Phil.
SoCalKris | Apr 25, 2007 10:23:24 PM | #American Idol- after months of making fun of people who couldn't sing, being cruel to disabled folks, laughing at their expense for good TV-is now trying to show they have a heart?? PAAAA---LEEEEEEZZZZZZZ. I don't buy it. I donate to several charities, what I can afford, consistently each year. I don't need a TV show to guilt me into it. I watch TV because celebrities usually appear on them. SHOCKER, I KNOW. Watching TV because its (now, everyone settle down now) entertaining.... Oh My, maybe this will raise the roof off this blog, but its true. And, when I am told consistently through false advertising to tune in and see my fav singers, I will. It doesn't mean I will (or won't) donate to charity. I am already active in Bono's one charity, so I don't feel a daggone bit bad for bitching that Pink wasn't on. By the way, she will be on A.I. on May 9th instead. Whew. I will tune- and I agree. We are all blessed to live in this country, where we can express our opinions and debate such important TV topics such as American Idol.
laurab | Apr 25, 2007 10:33:56 PM | #I don't know which was more amazing. The return of Elvis, or the return of Mama Cass Elliot.
...
What, that was Kelly Clarkson!?!?
Frank Rook | Apr 25, 2007 10:49:09 PM | #Ok sorry... maybe my other post was a bit brash... My intentions weren't to guilt anyone into donating. Just to step up and realize how blessed we really are and maybe its not such a bad idea to help out those who are less fortunate. 30 million... or whatever the final total is... thats A LOT of money. and its wonderful.
Just from reading the other posts it seemed that no one cared about the charities. Only the celebrities. I usually work late on Tuesdays and never see AI, but (confession time!) I'm addicted Josh Groban. And thats why I watched tonight. So, I'm guilty of the celebrity draw too. I just wish more people would donate on a regular basis. Not just to other countries... there is poverty here in America too.
Christen | Apr 25, 2007 11:04:59 PM | #To Mr. Daniel Feinberg
Where can I read your past AI Recap? To prove I have no life, I decide to read all your recap from season one!!! But having problem finding them...
I appreciate the fact that this show was for a worthy cause, but I felt like I was watching a telethon and not American Idol. Thank goodness for my remote.
Dianna | Apr 26, 2007 2:39:32 AM | #American Idol Gives Back!
Ryan Seacrest: How could we send anybody home on a CHARITY night?!
Oh, you!
Did anyone actually "watch" this episode. (I had it on in the background.)I did, however, watch when Kelly's number came on.
Mehtel | Apr 26, 2007 4:04:05 AM | #Oh, and Jack Black was good also. Liked it when he pushed Ryan.
Mehtel | Apr 26, 2007 4:05:39 AM | #The show did have a telethon feel, but I did watch it only because it was AI. Those shots of unfortunates are always to shock us & they usually do. We tend to forget. I for one am guilty. Ok enough seriousness. I love Kelly Clarkson I just hope she doesnt turn into Mama Cass. Celine & Elvis that was just too weird. I kept studying the screen wondering what the heck was I looking at. Paula didn't leave much to the imagination when she was on stage with Ryan. I agree with Daniel on that ,it was all I could look at. The ' Stayin Alive ' segment I loved. The movie is one of my all time favs.
As for Jordin, Blake, Lakisha, Phil, Melinda & Phil they all need to step up next week. Because if Jordin had been sent packing I would not have been shocked. They did it to Chris Daughtry.
Basically, the show was just dumb with a few funny moments tossed in. I hated the song Kelly Clarkson sang as well as the throw-rug she was wearing. Jack Black's moments was actually funny, and although I like Ben Stiller, his moments weren't very funny and was just drawn out. I wonder if ANY of those celebrities that popped up in the occasional clip (i.e. Staying Alive) donated anything other than their time or fame to the show.
Some moments seemed more forced than others. For example, when Ryan and Simon visited the 12 year old boy who lived with his sister in a shack and acted like the father in his family, I didn't find that manipulative at all and was genuinely touched by the situation. But later, when Paula went visiting a Boys and Girls Club and the little girl said how her mom works 3 jobs and things are hard on them......I don't doubt her family situation, but that particular moment, just so Paula could come around and give her a hug, seemed ridiculously forced and scripted.
Jingles | Apr 26, 2007 4:27:54 AM | #Great show and Paula Abdul was showing mad cleavage.
bob | Apr 26, 2007 5:29:51 AM | #
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